A Night in Paris {Krysta's Ballet Recital}

I'm shaking my head and hanging it low in shame. Forgive me, this post has been stuck in my "draft" folder. I wrote it while on the plane to Hawaii, but never clicked published. Through all of the excitement, it remained forgotten until today. So, without further ado, here is Krysta's dance recital from June. *red cheeks*

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It’s quiet. The stage is set. Lights of pink, blue, and green descend from overhead to illuminate the stage. Violins strum as the orchestra joins in over the sound system, in a slow sweet opening. As the music increases, thirty little ballerinas dressed in white, prance under the spotlight in sync with one another, as the audience resounds in “awe”. The performance begins, and my girl instinctively moves in graceful spins and pointed toes.

I felt them coming…the tears. I pushed them back and held them off for as long as I could, but as soon as I laid my eyes on Krysta, I waved my white flag and surrendered. I became so overwhelmed with the emotion of seeing my little girl on stage that my eyes swelled, breaking the dam as tears began to roll uncontrollably down my cheeks. Yes, we’ve done many recitals in the past, but the lump-in-the-throat and heart swelling never goes away. It’s usually around this time –the waterworks part- that I look over at Ron to see his eyes glistening as he watches his baby pirouette, but there was just a stranger sitting beside me. This was the first recital that Ron wasn’t able to attend. I was the only one that came to see her performance, but that’s all she needed. She knew daddy was thinking of her and supported her big day from thousands of miles away. 

The tempo changed paced as the group of bouncing bopping girls did high kicks and pom-pom shakes across stage. This was her first year doing Pom, and while she loved doing her number on stage, she decided that Pom wasn’t her thing…she’d rather arabesque in yards to tulle instead of booty shake in sequins. Her exact words were, “ballet is prettier”.

But she did it, and she did it well.  I’m so proud of her.

“To dance is to be out of yourself. Larger, more beautifully, more powerful. This is power, it is glory on earth, and it is yours for the taking.” –Agnes De Mille

Love,
EM

Flow

I watched the sunrise, a sky of charcoal gray flowing into a deep indigo, until it formed into layers of pink and yellow as the sun streamed its rays across the sleepy landscape. As I'm searching for self guidance, it hit me that my goals for the future and my current outlook weren’t aligning. I’ve been focusing on freeing myself, but not having the courage to step out from under the heavy blanket of hurt. How silly of me to play this constant game of tug-a-war with myself. It's exhausting.

They say you can’t move forward if you continue to look back. I realize now, that I’ve been looking back for far too long…so much so that it’s hindering my everyday life. I often find myself daydreaming of past memories, replaying them over and over like a broken record-- wondering about the “what ifs”, “did I give it my all?”, “do I fight or flight?”, or “is this life’s way of working itself out? And if life is working itself out, am I stirring in the right direction?”.

I’m nervous putting all of this out there, but during the past few months I’ve been internally struggling with myself—pushing forward, but yet hold back; trying to let go, but still hopeful by continuing to hang on. I’ve been holding onto hope—hoping that things would naturally fall into place and everything would effortlessly smooth itself out. I’m a firm believer that the Ebb and Flow of life harmoniously merge together to walk hand-in-hand and form as one in a loving unity, but sometimes they have a fallen out and the scale isn’t quite balanced, resulting in leaning more on the “ebb” than the “flow”. Loved ones pass away, sibling are diagnosed with cancer, friends move on, children are bullied at school, and spouses deploy--there’s no control over these matters, this I’ve learned firsthand over the last handful of months. I’ve let the hurt sink in. I’ve let the hurt cut me to the quick. And I’ve let the hurt shatter me into a thousand pieces. I’m now taking matters into my own hands --the scars, the pain, the hurt-- and dropping Ebb like a bad habit. I’m determined, more than ever, to balance the scale once more.

I’m not the same girl, I’ve changed. With everything that I’ve harbored inside and quietly dealt with alone, I don’t have the desire to be the same girl. I’m stronger now, wiser, more in tuned to the intentions of others around me. And while I think daily about the things I can’t change, I’m ready to put it all to rest. It’s time to rebuild, to lay down a new foundation and start moving up—not forward, not backward…just simply up.

My brand spanking new shiny red boxing gloves are out of the box, and they’re a perfect fit. I’m fighting for myself, for better understanding of others, for acceptance of things I can’t control, for happiness.

I'm letting Flow work her magic and giving Ebb a taste of her own medicine.

It’s going to be a bigger and brighter year.

Em

Homecoming

I’ve taken a bit of a sabbatical from blogging…but for very good reason, I may add. As most of you know, we’ve undergone a six month deployment, but what only a few of you know is the deployment has now joyfully come to an end. My heart still sporadically skips a beat throughout the day when I realize that we are together again—whole, as we should. I’ve dreamt of these moments of togetherness; and for 189 days, I’ve daydreamed and longed for these simplistic days where we do nothing but just be.

Deployments change you. Your focus changes, your priorities are distorted, schedules are rearranged, and at the end of it all, your thoughts and feelings begin shift. What seemed important before is no longer a necessity, but an afterthought. You’re striped down to your core, left raw rebuild yourself as a one man band walking on a tightrope. Instantaneously you become a professional juggler of mother and father, protector and nurturer.

Out of the past six deployments, this one repeatedly bitch slapped me-- emotionally and physically. It was by far the most difficult rotation that I’ve endured.  A lot of uncontrollable situations rapidly spiraled down; situations that I left out of my blog, FB, and twitter for various reasons; situations where I needed my husband’s shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, arms to hold me, or a hand to help lift me up. I’m so grateful for my best friend, Tabetha, who encouraged, supported, and stood by me in my darkest days. Just the simplest phone call or text made such a huge difference in raising my spirits.

When the end of the deployment came to an end, I could literally feel the weight being lifted from my shoulders. The anxiety, the loneliness, the frustration, all came to a screeching halt. I had a sense of calm and peace wash over me, a feeling that I’ve been so desperately craving.

This moment was brighter than all the stars in the sky. It was so surreal seeing him again in person after so much time and distance apart. Magical.

Daddy is home.

The dark clouds are thinning and pockets of sun-rays are beginning to seep through.

We are complete. Whole.

Changed.

I was a nervous wreck when the final hour turned to minutes. As time slipped through my fingers, we attempted to fight the inevitable, to cheat time by stashing a few extra minutes in our back pockets to prolong our departure time. My heart dropped into my stomach as the voice over the intercom announced our flight was now boarding to Dallas. This is it, no turning back. Leaving paradise, my mom, and the Hawaiian lifestyle was a hard reality to face-- it hurt and we all cried like babies.

We lived the life of Peter Pan-- internally optimistic, highly spirited, never wanting to grow up, and living life with a carefree attitude. Seven weeks in Hawaii has been a dream; an experience that we’ll never forget and memories that we’ll carry forever. We found a new love and a new perceptive; we’ve grown mentally, emotionally, and spiritually; and we’ve learned to hold tight to the important things, as well as what and when to let go of the hurt and pain. This has been a trip of renewal and healing. My soul has been stretched and my heart has been mended-- I’m forever changed.

“Hearts are breakable," Isabelle said. "And I think even when you heal, you're never what you were before".”  ~ Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels

 Will was watching this couple for 30 minutes as he was trying to teach his girlfriend to snorkel.

 YAY THEY DID IT!

 Krysta spent the entire day in the water... she grew gills.

We’re back in Oklahoma busily getting back into our normal routines of school and dance classes, plus my paintings and projects. I’ll be back in a couple of days to wrap up our Hawaii outings and sunny beach days, along with Krysta’s first day of school and (dare I say) Krysta’s ballet recital from back in June. Lots to do and lots to catch up.

Happy Friday,
Em

Dream Awake

It hasn’t sunk in that we’ve been temporarily living in Hawaii. I haven’t allowed my mind to go there because every day I want to live like it’s a dream. I want to feel and soak in every moment as if it were something so dainty, so fragile, so rare that if I take this beauty for granted this experience with dissipate and all with be lost. I want to hang on to this dream, to ride its rainbow, and to live everyday with purpose.

We drove down the street to Waikiki, for no particular reason than to witness the sun sinking.

She was brilliant. Stretching her rays on every touchable surface, taking in every remaining drop of the day until she peacefully slipped under pastel painted skies.

It was one of the most beautiful sunsets that I’ve seen here. The sand illuminated to a glowing orange, as shell bits glistened like a rotating disco ball.

Mom and I sat with our toes in the sand watching Krysta and William’s silhouettes race up and down the shoreline in fits of laughter.

How lucky we are.

Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake. ~Henry David Thoreau

Until your tomorrow,

Em

We've been nominated to participate in the Circle of Moms Top 25 Military Family Blogs 2012! It's such an honor to be part of this group. Please vote for us, once a day until August 16 by click the button below, then the "thumbs up" button by my name, "Writings of an Air Force Wife"! Thank you guys so much!

Full. a BIG weekend post.

From beginning to end, our weekend was overflowing with fun tropical happenings, resulting in a stiff body, coffee-filled Monday morning.

We’ve been in Hawaii for five weeks, and as amazing and surreal as that sounds, the reality of that statement is we only have one week left until we head home. It’s truly bittersweet. We’ve had the time of our lives spread across the beaches of Oahu, on top of spending time with Mimi (my mom). As bitter as leaving all of this sounds, the deliciously sweet side is when we land in Oklahoma, we’ll have one month --possibly two-- until this deployment comes to an end.

Friday we ventured to a lagoon, peacefully anchored between Honolulu’s city buildings and the Pacific Ocean. If you remember this post, this was the first place we visited when we first arrived here on the island. I was instantly bursting with creatively and a rekindled internal fire, which even today I’m finding hard to contain. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again… “This place is magical.”

The highlight wasn’t the calm pace of life inside city walls, or the lush lime greenery, or even the twinkling aqua water… it was these birds:

There were flocks of these white and grey birds, scattered along the sand, in between palm trees and around beachgoers. In one swiping gush, like synchronized swimmers, they fluttered up into the air and dashed around the lagoon making circles and figure eights. Everyone stopped to watch the show.

Swish, swish, swish, they danced through the sky, then like falling confetti, the birds gracefully bowed on the beach. William shrieked, “MOM-MOM!!!!”. Mom-mom is what Will now calls me. It’s the new “mama”.

birds circling the lagoon

Saturday came bright and early, as we drove out to North Shore to go hiking.

Our Destination: Waterfall.

It was beautiful and well worth the huffing and puffing, and the sticky sweat that came along with it. We passed through rivers, ponds, lush foliage, and tropical flowers. Stopping to take in the beauty along the way, we were treated with various species of exotic bird who sang from the tree tops.

The rumbling of water rolled in the background as it trickled around rocks and curved into the water hole. We made it!

My mom and the kids jumped in the water for a refreshing dip while I sat on the edge wishing I had brought my swimsuit. Krysta was completely over-the-moon to have been able to swim in a waterfall. I’m sure she’ll take these memories with her always. 

 my mom swimming with the kids

We couldn’t leave North Shore without going to the beach.

After our hike, we hunted for a parking spot where I swapped out my clothes for a swimsuit.

Let me just point out that I’m so glad we got to experience swimming in North Shore, however, I’ll never return to this particular slice of the beach. It’s totally not kid friendly or out-of-shape mom friendly. We lugged beach chairs, beach bags, sand buckets, and a cooler --along with William’s over-the-top ambition to run straight for the water even while I’m screaming “William stop, William wait”--  through the loose sand, up and over sand dunes, and down to the beach. I.THOUGHT.I.WOULD.DIE.

But alas, we made it just as the tide was carrying out, revealing a nice little drop off to fish my partially drowning kids out of the water.

We opted for plan B: to build castles, which ended up in a fight over whose sand is whose, so on and so forth. I turned to my mom, “let’s just call it a day.”  

this photo represents my kids the best-- Krysta posing for the camera while William runs in the opposite direction.

Don’t let these photos fool you….they’re actually squealing at each other.

The weekend ended with relaxing weather, cloudy and rainy. We were determined to have a low key beach day, and Hanauma Bay was the perfect location for doing just that. A bay surrounded by mountains and lined with palm trees, along with very small waves, lifeguards on duty, good sand for castle building, and lots of other small children to play with, plus great snorkeling on the reef for us adults.

It was nice and completely made up for Saturday’s beach experience.

I relaxed, sank into my beach chair, and struggled to stay awake. It felt so good.

The kids played.

And all was right.

Em


We've been nominated to participate in the Circle of Moms Top 25 Military Family Blogs 2012! It's such an honor to be part of this group. Please vote for us, once a day until August 16 by click the button below, and then the "thumbs up" button by my name, “Writings of an Air Force Wife”! Thank you guys so much!